Spectator

Well, it happened. Jess and I split up. I'm not upset really, she needs to focus on her pregnancy and being a mother. I know she will succeed. We're still going to be talking and one day be together again, which is what we both want. Jess is a terrific, strong woman and I admit that I love her. Many people throw the word around but i truly mean it. She is the first thing that i think of when i wake up, and many times throughout the day she is on my mind. I'm ok with the decision to split up, but I fear growing apart. I know that won't happen because of reassurances we gave to each other, but on August 2nd I didn't know we wouldn't be together. I'm sad but i can deal with it, she's worth it to me. I was just sitting here watching TV flipping through channels and Juno is on. I don't like it but I felt the need to watch this particular scene. It was an ultrasound and it got me thinking, on Wednesday I am/was going to it with her. And possibly not being there to share in the joy and learning more about her baby boy, just crushed me. Tears filled my eyes, I want to be there for her and the baby but right now, I can't. I know the future is uncertain, but as far as i'm concerned, i'll be there for the both of them. I feel protective and the need to provide for the both of them. Right now i am a spectator, a scout. Sitting on the sidelines just waiting to get back into the game. People call me crazy and all sorts of things for waiting for her, but she did something to me. She made me realize that she is the one for me and everything else out there will never be as good. i love her and can not wait to share my love with her,