Spectator

Well, it happened. Jess and I split up. I'm not upset really, she needs to focus on her pregnancy and being a mother. I know she will succeed. We're still going to be talking and one day be together again, which is what we both want. Jess is a terrific, strong woman and I admit that I love her. Many people throw the word around but i truly mean it. She is the first thing that i think of when i wake up, and many times throughout the day she is on my mind. I'm ok with the decision to split up, but I fear growing apart. I know that won't happen because of reassurances we gave to each other, but on August 2nd I didn't know we wouldn't be together. I'm sad but i can deal with it, she's worth it to me. I was just sitting here watching TV flipping through channels and Juno is on. I don't like it but I felt the need to watch this particular scene. It was an ultrasound and it got me thinking, on Wednesday I am/was going to it with her. And possibly not being there to share in the joy and learning more about her baby boy, just crushed me. Tears filled my eyes, I want to be there for her and the baby but right now, I can't. I know the future is uncertain, but as far as i'm concerned, i'll be there for the both of them. I feel protective and the need to provide for the both of them. Right now i am a spectator, a scout. Sitting on the sidelines just waiting to get back into the game. People call me crazy and all sorts of things for waiting for her, but she did something to me. She made me realize that she is the one for me and everything else out there will never be as good. i love her and can not wait to share my love with her,

The One Thing

My life i'd have to say isn't bad. I have an ok job, good friends and family and that's all about i need. Sometimes i yearn for more, and it's something many take for granted. Most people care about material things such as money, cars, rims, and bling bling or what have you, but i want and need something more. I highly doubt i'll send this to anyone but writing about stuff makes me feel better. It's kind of like i'm talking to someone and they are infinitely supportive and caring. But there is this woman who i care deeply for and would do anything for. She makes the worst of days go away with just one smile. She is easily the most caring, honest, and beautiful women i have had the honor to be apart of her life. When i first met her, i really didn't see much to her besides a slightly derogatory comment, but little did i know, she is someone who has really been important to me. I usually do pretty bad talking to woman as i am a coward. The first time i had the chance to talk to her was on good old facebook. We talked about trivial things, but i genuinely wanted to get to know her, learn what she likes and doesn't like. She was intriguing to me. After talking for a few weeks, i got the nerve to ask her to go out and hang out. We went to Orange Ale House and i was so nervous. The thoughts running through my head were the stereotypical nerd thoughts like what do i say?, what do i do?, do i smell weird? Okay, maybe not the last one but my mind was racing at a millions miles an hour. There were some brief silent periods, but i thought i did well. We ended up playing pool against my cousin and his friend and i couldn't careless about the game. I was fixated on her. She stunned me, she was so beautiful. The way she played pool kind of poorly was just so damn cute. We played 2 games and then went back and had a beer and talked some more. The night ended and me and my friends dropped her off home. Sitting in the backseat with a huge smile on my face, being teased and tortured by my friends didn't phase me, i liked this girl. I talked to her every chance i got, AIM, Facebook you name it and i was there. She was constantly in my thoughts. What was this girl doing to me? We hungout a few times and went out for breakfast, the usual kind of stuff you do with a girl you like. Don't know if they're considered dates but i loved every minute of it. One day we were hanging out, watching movies and reading magazines and talking, and all i wanted to do was hold her and kiss her. For some odd reason, we started playing eye spy. After a few turns each, i couldn't help myself and i say " i spy with my eye something pink." After being stumped for a minute or so, i asked if she wanted a hint. She said yes. And i moved in and kissed her. Even though it's cliche, i felt fireworks and whatever else those crappy movies put out there. And who would know that day we would start dating. I was on a cloud, this guy who barely smiled was grinning from ear to ear, looking like some sort of madman. One night we ended up going to bingo, you may think boring, but if you went with the most beautiful woman in the world, it takes away the boredom. And winning $100 helps too. We then made plans to hangout a few days later. That day came and we were hanging out things were going awesome. And then she left for a minutes and came back and was deathly silent. I ask if everything was ok. She asks me if we can cut short our day. She seemed pretty down, so i decided to go. She kisses me goodbye, it felt different. Walking home i was thinking, what did i do?, is everything ok? I didn't sleep well that night. Saturday rolls around. I;m outside hanging with my family and i get a text message, it's a facebook message from her. I read it, my heart sinks. I understand what happens but i'm not my new smiley happy self. And the next few months would be the most empty days i have ever felt. Something that was so good, was gone just like that. We talked but not too often, i wrote letters to comfort her, sent random text messages but nothing. I thought about her, hoping she was safe, and hoping that some day. I would hear from her. I did but nothing really more than texts that said hey and miniscule things like that. I had decided that she needed her space and time, so i gave up. I thought i would never see or talk to her again. I was living a hollow life. My job,family, friends weren't doing it for me. I was faking my happiness, i was a real life Dexter Morgan, well minus the urge to kill. I was in my room one day just watching tv and i get a text message. It's a facebook message from her. My heart leapt. I was so happy to her from her. I wrote back saying it was good to hear from her and so on and so forth. I didn't have much hope for anything as she was back with her ex. We talked as friends, but i couldn't hold back what i wanted to say, what needed to be said. I was tired of not knowing, i didn't want to know what could have been. And i said what i was feeling. Her response was about the same. She thought of me as i thought of her, she missed me just as much as i missed her. I know she cares about me and i care about her. But if all we could be was friends, i would have to accept it for what it was. I was happy just to talk to her, see how she was feeling and how everything was going. I asked if we could meet up for breakfast, but she needed permission from her man. He isn't the most caring man in the world, actually the man is trash. He doesn't deserve a love like hers. She was too good for him. She needed a man who was unselfish and wanted to do right by here. i knew i was that man, but it wasn't happening. Talking to her a few days later, she tells me she basically kicked him to the curb. I was ecstatic, not for me having a chance, but for her. She had the chance to be her own person, make her own decisions, and most of all to be happy. We were talking more than we had the past few months and things were going swell. i wanted to make her happy, anything i could thing of, i would do it. I knew of a day she was working and arranged to have flowers sent to her. I was such a wreck that day, hoping they would be delivered and everything would be perfect. I get a text message, she got them and loves them. I was thrilled, making her happy was all i wanted to do and i did it. That's all i want to do is to make her happy and i would sacrifice days of sleep, my truck, my video game collection, if it made her happy. Her happiness makes me happy, it makes me feel like i did the week i had the honor of dating her. Her smile, her hair, her skin is so addicting. Most people want money, fame and other material things. The one thing i want more than anything is to be loved by her.